"Retrospect" - Sarah Bruno

It’s been a couple of months since I saw my dad. Sometimes I feel like he’s gone away on a trip and just hasn’t come back yet. It’s kind of like when you and your friends are running and then all of a sudden you stop to tie your shoe and they haven’t realized you stopped, so they keep running. That’s how life is now. I see them running off to college, to boyfriends, to school. And I’m stuck in the moment of nothingness, numbness. Everyone’s rushing past me so fast that I hardly recognize them, faces become blurs that used to be friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress, but then I have a dream, a thought, a memory. Then, in an instant, I am in that moment. Watching my dad being lowered into the ground, trying not to cry in front of my friends because my mom cries enough for the both of us, thinking about things I never thought before. I think about how my mom is going to intimidate my first boyfriend. I think about how on prom, when all the families are taking pictures, my dad won’t be there. I think about how I’ll never have a dance with my dad at my wedding. I think about a lot of things like that until it becomes a bass line to the mundane voices of everyone talking to me, promising to be there for me. A lot of people say they’re going to be there, but in a few months, they disappear off into the distance. I’m not mad about it. I’m just stuck right now, and I’m waiting to move again, to run. Everyone says college will be that time for me, but everyone also said I’d be okay.

Sarah Bruno is a tentative LACIS and Legal Studies Major.